Adolescence is often a tumultuous time as teens slowly prepare for the adult world, coming to terms with their changing bodies and increasing responsibilities. When you add the upheaval that divorce inevitably brings to the family dynamic, a teen’s world – already filled with extremes – is quickly thrown into a tailspin. Even though teens are more independent than younger children, divorce can lead to devastating consequences because their parents are the glue holding everything together for them, and that glue seems to be disintegrating.
Depending on the circumstances, teens may have to adjust to additional life changes, such as a new school, new neighborhood, or varied living arrangements. Therefore, parents must try to focus on upholding a normal routine during a time when chaos and heartbreak can easily take over.
Easing the Transition Teens will likely experience a myriad of emotions after being told about an impending divorce, such as shock, anger, fear, loneliness, anxiety, despair, or a combination of feelings. Parents should answer their teens’ questions and address their teens’ rapidly changing feelings about the situation. This can be quite difficult since Mom and Dad are also experiencing anguish and an uncertainty about what the future holds.
Debbie Pincus, LMHC, a marriage and family therapist and creator of The Calm Parent: AM & PM program (www.empoweringparents.com), advises, “Parents can ease their teens into this lifestyle change by committing themselves to behaving well with each other and being conscious to not pull their kids between them.” She says that parents should not criticize their spouse or ask teens to choose sides. “Teens need to feel good about both parents.” She also says that teens shouldn’t be made to feel as if they have to take care of their parents emotionally.
Amy Morin, LCSW, a psychotherapist and parenting teens expert, explains, “It’s important to have ongoing conversations with a teen about what changes to expect. She adds that sometimes just acknowledging that you understand your teen’s feelings can be a big help. “Try not to change everything at once. Instead, take the changes one step at a time,” she suggests.
Dealing with Major Changes Pincus counsels, “Teens should have flexibility and choice when it comes to visitation. Sometimes when the going gets tough at one home with one parent, the teen might want to live at the other parent’s home for a while.” She says that as long as there is no concern about neglect or abuse, parents should allow their teens some flexibility.
Morin recommends that parents keep their teens in the loop. “Giving teens advanced notice about major changes, such as moving or changing schools, is important. A teen who is grieving the divorce may struggle even more if she has to move away from friends or change schools all at the same time,” she warns.
Feelings of Guilt Be cognizant that a teen might feel he had something to do with the breakup of the family. According to KidsHealth.org (sponsored by Nemours Foundation), “Some kids feel guilty about what happened, or wish they had prevented arguments by cooperating more within the family, doing better with their behavior, or getting better grades.” Therefore, parents should be sure to regularly let their teens know that the divorce has nothing to do with anything their teens did. Instead, it has to do with the breakdown of the marital relationship.
Signs a Teen Can’t Handle the Change Morin advises, “Look for changes in behavior, such as increased social isolation or increased defiance.” Parents should also look for changes in mood. “When a normally happy teen becomes sad and irritable, it could be a sign that she’s really struggling.” Morin says that if the divorce is interfering with your child’s education or social life, it should be considered a red flag.
Other warning signs:• Skipping school/sudden decrease in grades • Harming self • Isolation – no longer spends time with friends • Drug/alcohol abuse • Over eating/not eating • Shuts down and refuses to communicate
Seek Help Early On Morin points out that parents should seek help if concern over a teen’s behavioral or mood changes last more than a few weeks. She says that a teen’s depression or anxiety over a recent divorce is easier to treat in the early stages. “Parents should err on the side of caution and speak to their teen’s pediatrician or another mental health professional if they grow concerned about their child’s adjustment to the divorce.”In order to be sure they can be there emotionally for their teens, parents should seek help and support for themselves as well.
Myrna Beth Haskell is a freelance writer and monthly contributor to Rochester & Genesee Valley Parent Magazine who lives in Salt Point, NY. She is the author of LIONS and TIGERS and TEENS: Expert advice and support for the conscientious parent just like you (Unlimited Publishing LLC). Visit www.myrnahaskell.com.
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