Tips for Preventing Conflict With Your College Student Home

What was once a quiet, well-structured household can become chaotic overnight as your college student returns for the summer.  

College Student

The freedom that they had gained while away from home just might not fit the lifestyle of your family. The balancing of independence, respect, mutuality, and positive resolution may just be the key to success for parents and college-aged  students, home for the summer.  Of course, the first summer home is usually the hardest because the new-found college freedom is so compelling and comfortable that it may cause conflict. However, setting the course straight that first summer may help with the following years as well.  

Here are some tips to prevent conflict and chaos with your college student home for the summer.

• Structure… Structure… Structure — While it is tempting for college students who have worked hard academically all year to want to relax and enjoy being home where meals are prepared, laundry is provided, and there is access to a full refrigerator, it is more productive and less likely to cause a conflict if the college student has something meaningful and productive to do.  For some students, this may be additional summer school courses, or internships, or paid positions or even a volunteer job doing something    interesting.  No matter what the activity, it will go a long way to keeping peace in the family and avoiding the feeling that the    college student sleeps all day and parties all night. Paid work experiences are clearly the goal for many students, and as their parents, we may be in a position to assist in the job search process.  Finding a paying position that provides structure and cash will definitely prove beneficial to all parties. 
• Rearranging Their Sleep Clocks — College students have different sleep patterns than the rest of the world, and this is often quite a shock to their unsuspecting parents.  Starting out for the evening at 10 p.m., returning home at 3 a.m., and sleeping until noon or later is not the typical pattern for most working adults; however, college     students seem to have perfected this art.  Allowing some freedom is important, so the goal is to achieve a respectful arrangement, much like the one my friend worked out with her children.  Certain nights during the week should be off limits for partying and staying out late.  If you can successfully achieve this understanding and mutual respect, the      conflicts will be greatly reduced. 
• The Shared Car Syndrome — The necessity of sharing a car with your college student during the summer may cause as much grief as the late nights and the lack of structure. What was once fully accessible, convenient, and “all yours” is now subject to arrangements, negotiations, and scheduling.  Establishing both a schedule and a sense of responsibility for car maintenance is essential, from the very beginning, so that you are not resentful and angry every time you get into the car and find the gas gauge on empty.  This can be resolved by a shared gas credit card, or establishing an understanding about the expectations for car maintenance.  If the student does not have a paying position, it may be unreasonable to ask them to pay for the gas, but in that case, limited travel may be optimal.  
• There’s No Place Like Home, But…. Some college students may really change a great deal during their years away from home; they may pick up bad habits or actually become more mature. But home is still home, and so despite the independence and the new-found freedom, there is often a mixed message.  Even though they do their own laundry at school, there may be the expectation that this is an act of love and caring and that Mom does the laundry best.  Requesting favorite foods or familiar activities may seem inconsistent with the need for total freedom. This is all part of the transitioning from childhood to adulthood that must take place for successful maturity.  Patience with these inconsistencies will go a long way toward making the summer a positive experience for all.  As with all these suggestions, open communication about the issues is the only certain way to avoid conflict. 

Sending a child away to college is traumatic, for the parents, the family system, and of course, for the student. But the return home does not need to create this same drama if an attitude of respect and understanding is introduced early and clearly. When the balance between individual freedom and responsibility to the rest of the family is reached, even some of the harder-to-resolve issues can be straightened out.  

This article is revised from an original column that appeared in Rochester & Genesee Valley Parent Magazine.