Romance
The holidays are over and Rochester’s spring is still about two months away. Our only winter holiday (if you disregard Super Bowl Sunday!) is Valentine’s Day, giving all of us an excuse to think about love and romance. Whether you are married or single, this month is a perfect time to think what’s important in a romantic relationship and have some fun with that one special person in your life.
Dating and the Single Parent
Parents who are not married, divorced, or widowed face unique challenges as they navigate the dating scene. It is difficult enough to find a person that you want to spend time with, but when you are also juggling the role of a parent, it can seem like an impossible task. Jodi Seidler is a nationally-known columnist, speaker, and founder of the single parent website www.makinglemonade.com. She offers numerous insights on single parenthood including “5 Tips You Need to Know Before You Go Back Out There”:
- Have a clear picture of what you want and don’t want in a relationship and keep that picture in mind. The author and advice guru encourages people not to settle and to understand what their “deal breakers” are when it comes to romantic relationships.
- Listen for key words that are hateful or negative. It is a clear warning sign if the person that you are interested in expresses negativity about everyone they have ever been involved with, including family relationships (i.e. “I hate my father”).
- Have an exit plan. It may be easier said than done, but when rejoining the dating scene, don’t expect love at first sight and “put all your love in one basket.”
- Don’t hold on to a fantasy when reality is staring you in the face. Difficult as it may be, try to keep perspective and understand that no one has the ability to completely change another person or to help or heal everything that is wrong with them.
- There are three sides to every relationship: his, hers, and the truth. It’s important to listen and make sure that the other person is willing to look at their part in relationship issues. If not, they may continue that going forward into any new relationship.
Rochester: A Great Place to be Single
Countless movies focus on where and how to find love from bars to online dating services. Luckily, Rochester is an excellent place to live if you’re single, especially a single mother. Rochester may be just the place to return to when you’re serious about getting married or raising a child. Zillow, a national real estate resource company, named Rochester first on its list of “10 Best Places for Single Moms to Live” due to both lifestyle and economic factors. The national poll cited the affordability of housing, low crime rate, access to good public education, a fair working wage for women compared to men, and the abundance of walkable communities and short commute times as reasons that Rochester rocks if you’re a single mother.
Our city was also named in 2011 by Forbes Magazine as a “Top Ten Place to Raise a Family,” so there are many reasons why both married couples and single parents who value a family environment live in Rochester. Understanding your core values – such as family – is critical to finding the right mate. “These are the things about yourself that are not likely to change,” says JoAnne White, PhD, a therapist and instructor at Temple University. “They are the tenets you grew up believing and that deep down inside still seem to fit into your life no matter what else changes.” White says that nothing matters as much as finding someone who shares your core values. So if one of your core values is family, you are more likely to find a potential spouse or partner in Rochester.
Married Couples Need Romance Too
The 2010 movie “Date Night” with Steve Carell and Tina Fey was a comedic film about a boring suburban couple who plan a date together to bring some romance into their relationship, only to end up in a dangerous but funny all-night adventure. A dinner out with your spouse doesn’t need to be the stuff that movies are made of, but it is critical to plan time together, particularly when your children are at home and free time is at a premium. You have to make the effort to actually put the date on the calendar and treat it as importantly as you do other events in your life. Tempting as it is to socialize with other couples, make sure that at least some of these dates are reserved for just the two of you so that you have time to talk and enjoy each other’s company.
Relationship experts say that there are other ways – in addition to a night out – to keep a marital relationship strong and happy. According to John M. Grohol, PSY.D, founder of PsychCentral and an author on mental health, the key to a fulfilling, long-term marriage is always focusing on basic relationship techniques.
- Compromise: every relationship is about give and take.
- Communicate: in every situation, it is critical to keep talking to each other and discuss your feelings directly.
- Choose your battles wisely: your mother was right; not every battle is worth fighting.
- Don’t hide your needs: it is fine to put your spouse’s or child’s needs first sometimes, but you must articulate your needs and be honest with yourself about what is important.
- Don’t underestimate the importance of trust & honesty: you must be able to count on your spouse without question or doubt.
Remember the joy you felt as a child when you got a shoebox decorated with red construction paper and filled with valentines? Take a page from your youth and write a heartfelt note on a lacey valentine. Send it to your sweetheart with a stamp and watch the surprise at getting something in the mailbox other than a bill! Above all, enjoy your time together, it’s precious.
Karen Higman is a contributing writer to Rochester & Genesee Valley Parent and RocParent.com.
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