Reconnecting with your spouse
February. The month written in red surrounded by pink hearts. The 14th day a tribute to St. Valentine, one of the early Christian martyrs, established by Pope Gelasius I in 500 AD. It is traditionally a day on which lovers express their love for each other by presenting flowers, chocolate, and sending greeting cards or “valentines.” The day first became associated with romantic love in the circle of Geoffrey Chaucer, English author and poet in the High Middle Ages, when the tradition of courtly love flourished.
Many people feel this is an unimportant or made-up “holiday” where retailers feed on consumers’ desire to please a spouse and reap the benefit of inflated prices and unnecessary spending. What if we looked at what Valentine’s Day aims to replenish between two people and try to input the effort into everyday life?
Our lives are filled to the brink with over-scheduling, over-extending, and pure exhaustion. It comes as no surprise that couples lose touch with one another. Our society breeds the notion that we must fit everything in, not missing a social gathering, block party, or the 80th birthday party of Cousin Willie four times removed. By doing this we may be missing what lies underneath – the snippets of time when your wife giggles at the same joke you’ve uttered 50 times or the youthful glance your husband casts seeing the same woman he met 20 years ago as if not a day has passed.
Getting back to where things began in the relationship, the bare bones of falling in love. This is where real connection happens. It is easy to lose focus on the big picture when “everyday” gets in the way. Fatigue and doldrums of the office, daily chores, and household responsibilities can squelch any desire for intimacy. Sometimes as a parent, the private time with a spouse can be almost non-existent. Children need a lot of attention; therefore parents can easily lose sight of themselves, forgetting their own needs and passions.
The notion of reconnecting with a spouse can seem daunting. Many people know that there is something missing in their marriage but fixing the problem seems so complicated. Does there need to be an intervention with a counselor? Do we need to schedule an expensive vacation we can’t afford? Many of these solutions create more anxiety – leading to inaction.
In American society we tend to over indulge, over think, and over exaggerate both cause and effect. Reconnecting with your spouse needs to begin with looking inward and finding happiness and peace within yourself. Take five minutes to write a list of all the things you are good at, what you have accomplished, your best features, and even things you would like to work on. Take this moment of clarity and maka similar list about your spouse. Reflect on what drew you to him or her, when you fell in love, the attributes you love and even those that drive you crazy. Focus on what would make you feel closer to your spouse; this may allow you to express your feelings more clearly.
Dr. Kathleen Nickerson, PhD clinical psychologist and author points out why dating is so different from marriage. “While we’re dating, our relationship is our number one priority. We make time for each other and go out of our way to make the other person feel special,” she says. “As our relationship matures and as time elapses, many of these behaviors fade away. We become very comfortable with our relationship and we just trust that the other person feels loved. Yet when asked what they miss most about dating, most people report: ‘I miss feeling like a priority.'” Nickerson suggest that whenever you can, find simple and authentic ways to convey to your partner how much you love and adore him or her. “Make time to be alone together,” she adds. “Even if it is just for one hour a week as you walk around your neighborhood and talk. The relationships you nourish with time and attention will flourish.”
There are many simple ways to spend quality time instead of quantity of time. Todd DeKramer, Licensed Massage Therapist gives workshops teaching couples the art of foot and hand massage. “Communication through a tender touch can have the greatest effect of all,” he says. “At times words get in the way of feelings. Hand and foot massage offers an incredible opportunity for couples to reconnect with each other.”
You’ve heard it before, but this time take the advice; schedule time alone with your spouse. Humble yourself by asking them how you can love them better. What do they need from you that you are not fulfilling? And listen, really listen. Turn on some Wynton Marsalis and instead of buying one of those dreaded mass-produced cards, create an original handwritten valentine, red paper and all.
Erica Walther Schlaefer is a contributing writer to Rochester Area & Genesee Valley Parent Magazine. She lives with her family in the Rochester area.
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