For years you’ve chronicled your child’s milestones, diligently recording his first steps, first lost tooth, and first school award. Now, as you prepare to visit your college freshman this September or October, it will be your turn to experience a “first.”
Parents’ Weekend
On Parents’ Weekend you’ll suddenly find yourself spending time with your son or daughter on their turf. This role reversal can be exciting, and a little daunting, for moms and dads.
WHAT TO EXPECT
No two Parents’ Weekends are exactly the same. I’ve had the pleasure of attending them at three very different universities and each had its own distinct approach to the annual event. The first college emphasized two activities: drinking and football. If you weren’t interested in either, you were on your own! Since that was my first experience on the campus, I was at a loss, but quite impressed by my son’s ability to put together a slate of activities that allowed me to get a real feel for the school and the surrounding area.
The second school’s event was a three-day parental extravaganza. They offered a plethora of free classes and programs for us to attend throughout the weekend, special meals, and football game tickets, complete with a set of blue and white pompoms to wave enthusiastically. This attention to detail made parents feel like valued partners-in-education, rather than simply anonymous tuition-paying adults.
The third college fell somewhere in between, with a focus on the entire family, including younger siblings. The three of us took a highly enjoyable bus trip with a group of other families to a local orchard where we picked apples, sampled cider, and selected pumpkins and gourds. The rest of the time we spent on our own, which gave us plenty of unstructured time to reconnect.
I’d be lying if I said that any of the weekends with our freshman sons went exactly as I had imagined. But, in the end, it didn’t matter. What did matter was the sense of pride I felt seeing that the boys we’d raised from infancy were now young men, fully capable of living independent lives.
TIPS FOR A SUCCESSFUL PARENTS’ WEEKEND
- Follow the Leader Visit the school’s Parents Weekend webpage before you arrive to get a general sense of the different activities the college will be offering. However, I’d recommend leaving it up to your freshman to decide how she wants to structure her time with you. Encourage her to order or pick up any necessary tickets beforehand (of course you can offer to pay!) for all of you. Have a backup plan of one or two activities to suggest if your son or daughter seems totally stymied by the notion of being in complete control of the social scene. If they aren’t interested in any of your ideas just sit back and enjoy your new role as a guest rather than the event coordinator.
- Immerse Yourself Just for this weekend acclimate to the college lifestyle. If your teen decides to oversleep the first day you’re there, don’t immediately start calling and texting, convinced that they’re wasting precious minutes of your time together (especially if you’ve traveled a long distance to get to the college). Entertain yourself by reading a book or the local newspaper, introducing yourself to other parents at similar loose ends, or by taking a walk and exploring the campus. If you feel like you need more time together, you can always stay up past your normal bedtime that night. In my experience, flexibility is the key to a successful Parents’ Weekend! Eat a few meals in the student dining hall. These days, with international food stations and healthy salad bars, there’s guaranteed to be something you like there. Not only that, but you’ll get a sense of what the students are eating and who your son or daughter spends mealtime with. Eating on campus is a fantastic opportunity to sit down and have good conversations with your freshman’s new friends or just listen as they all talk around you. By sitting quietly I learned how my sons felt about things like pledging fraternities, certain professors, and weekend activities without having to ask myself.
- Stay Positive Complement your student’s show of initiative whenever possible. If he selects a good restaurant to take you to, be sure to mention how much you liked the food. If he chooses a fun activity, let him know that you enjoyed it. I especially appreciated how all my boys took the time to introduce me to their new roommates, friends, and professors when we encountered them. Conversely, keep mum about issues or pet peeves that were problematic when your college freshman still lived at home. Above all, don’t make negative comments about the condition of your teen’s dorm room. It’s his living space, and how he cleans it and decorates it is now up to him. If you really feel like something crucial is missing (i.e. reading lamp or trashcan) offer to take him shopping before you leave. If he’s not interested, let it go.
- Sharing is Caring Take as many photos as you can without being annoying! This will help the folks back home feel connected to your freshman and keep them up-to-date on what they’re up to. A bonus is finding out some unique facts or stories about the university to tell friends and family. With your student, share some news from home, but keep the primary focus on the here and now. Ask as many questions as they’ll tolerate about classes, how they get along with their advisor, and what a typical day looks like.
- Keep the Weekend in Perspective Try not to elevate your short visit to a vacation or holiday status where, “If everything isn’t perfect the whole weekend will be ruined!” Trust me on this one – it won’t. Despite its name, Parents’ Weekend isn’t about you alone. It’s really a unique opportunity to learn firsthand how your teen is functioning away from home by spending a weekend with her. Though initially you may feel like a fish out of water, you’ll all get used to your changing roles over time. Understand that things will not go smoothly every minute of the weekend. Tempers can flare, you may both revert to your parent/child roles, or you and your teen may be tired or just plain out of sorts with each other. Don’t panic if your freshman seems to regress between Friday and Sunday. Some kids are so overwhelmed after a month of being in a completely new situation that, just like when they were small, they need a safe place where they can let out all of their anxiety and fears. Who better to provide that place than their parents, who have seen them at their worst and continue to love and support them regardless? It often seemed to me that what newly-independent college students need most is your expressed belief that they have the skills to weather any situation they might find themselves in. My oldest son confirmed this when he told me that the four most valuable words his dad and I ever said to him during his college years were “You’ll figure it out.”
- Just for You Before you say your goodbyes, buy a university t-shirt, sweatshirt, or baseball cap at the college bookstore. I purchased something at each of my boys’ schools and I’d put it on every time I found myself missing them. Like the “blankie” or stuffed animal your child used to cling to in unfamiliar territory, your new possession, combined with your memories from Parents Weekend, will help you feel like you’re still connected to your son or daughter. No matter how grown up they’ve become!
Sue Henninger is a contributing writer to Rochester & Genesee Valley Parent Magazine. Contact her at www.fingerlakeswriter.com
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