by
Jennifer Kamish
As a lifelong planner, I grew up relying on self-prescribed routines to manage every aspect of my existence. I found comfort in the predictability of constants—like a bullet journal detailing the minutiae of each day—and in the illusion that if I remained dedicated enough, I would reap stability and control.
However, adopting an adolescent from foster care this past year has irrevocably shifted my view. Amid the chaos of welcoming a teenager into the home, I’ve come to realize that as parents and caregivers, we are best equipped to handle tough transitions when we embrace—rather than fear—the inevitable role change plays in our lives (and in the lives of our children).
After all, people are born with a biological imperative to adapt and grow.
Still, for children—who are notably impulsive and impressionable—sudden shifts in life’s trajectory like a death, divorce, or big move can be overwhelming and difficult to process alone.
During these challenging times, caregivers and parents can benefit from collaborating with their child’s professional support network (doctors, therapists, teachers, etc.) to help the affected youth work through complex emotions as they arise. So, what does a team-based, trauma-informed approach to parenting look like in the face of unexpected change?
We asked a few local human services professionals to offer insights.
For the past year, Almeida Soteli has served as a family advocate and adoption social worker for Adoption STAR, an adoption agency with sites in Rochester and Buffalo (and other locations across the country). Soteli is part of the agency’s AOK (Adopt an Older Kid) program, which finds permanency for older children in the foster care system.
“There are many different life transitions a child goes through when removed from their biological parents,” says Soteli. “This includes moving to a placement (which may or may not be nearby), a new school, new social connections, and new therapists or other providers.”
“In these situations, it is critical that caregivers [and their professional support network] exercise a trauma-informed approach [when tackling problems] as they are typically parenting a child with an extensive history of inconsistent support,” she adds.
A trauma-informed caregiving approach involves meeting youth with patience and empathy. Rather than focusing on what the child is doing incorrectly or inappropriately in their response to a situation, the conversation should center on 1) processing what they’ve experienced and 2) determining what they need.
Additionally, Soteli reminds caregivers that they also need a support system of their own to avoid caretaker burnout and compassion fatigue.
Now, let’s pivot to a different scenario.
Consider a situation where a child starts acting out in school following the death of a parent. When this occurs, an effective strategy for addressing the issue is to reframe the child’s responding behaviors in terms of unmet needs.
For example, the child might be demanding extra attention in a classroom setting, because the deceased parent regularly focused on the child and their feelings, so they are grieving the loss of those one-on-one interactions. In this case, it could be appropriate to allow the child more frequent access to a school counselor, so that their need for undivided attention can be met.
Ashley Yang—a high school social studies teacher in Monroe County— emphasizes the importance of keeping your child’s educators in the loop when they are experiencing a difficult life transition.
“In my role, I deal a lot with divorce, the death of parents or grandparents, the loss of a pet, and issues related to mental health. I always appreciate receiving an email from a parent or guardian making me more aware of a situation. Then I can be on the lookout for unusual behaviors,” she says.
Once Yang is made aware of a situation, she switches into problem-solving mode.
“My first priority is to make sure the student is safe physically and mentally,” says Yang.
“And then I try to determine if the problem is an isolated incident or if it could become a chronic issue,” she adds.
If, after a brief, verbal assessment, Yang feels that the student continues to struggle, she will get the school counselor or another trained staff member involved.
Yang readily acknowledges that in some situations, the best course of action for a teacher is to refer a student to a mental health professional on site.
This is where someone like Teri Caldwell, a school counselor for the past twenty-two years and who has worked at all levels of K-12 education, comes in.
“There are a number of factors that play into a child’s ability to adapt to life changes, many of which are beyond a particular age or developmental stage,” says Caldwell.
Trauma history. Temperament. Coping skills.
While every scenario is unique and requires a tailored response, Caldwell recommends a couple of rules of thumb for team-based, trauma-informed caregiving.
“Consistency and predictability help children with difficult transitions. They need their feelings validated and [to have] time to adjust to new situations.”
Caldwell asserts that simple tools (like providing a child with a visual schedule of parent visitation amid a divorce) can be instrumental in fostering a school or home environment that feels comfortable and safe in the wake of an upset.
Reflecting on her experiences in the classroom, Yang recalls a situation where she encouraged a student to do her own research on a newly diagnosed chronic condition. Armed with detailed information, the student felt empowered to advocate for herself.
When older children are given the autonomy to explore their feelings, they become self-aware and in touch with their needs. However, this is a delicate balance because a child, preteen, or teen’s brain is still developing, and strong emotions can lead to maladaptive behaviors without the appropriate supports in place.
In trying times, collaborative, responsive care makes all the difference
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