Not every seventeen or eighteen year old is ready to head off to college − something parents, guidance counselors, and often teens themselves, are keenly aware of. But what’s the alternative? Some students may want to work for a year or two. Others may choose to enroll in a community college program to get their required credits out of the way at a lower cost. A third group of students will decide to take a less traditional path — the gap year. This is an option that can be controversial for those around them; but it can be a life-changing experience for the teens that make up their mind to go for it. Here, one local family shares their gap year story.“Since Samantha was born, we always thought she’d go to college right from high school,” says her mother, Lori Jones of Pittsford. Samantha started her junior year at Pittsford Mendon High School like many of her classmates: preparing for standardized tests, looking at colleges, and talking about potential career paths. However Lori notes, “As her mother, I sensed a resistance right away. We pressed on but the junior year, with all the testing, can be really difficult for kids and soon Sam started unraveling; we could see the joy was disappearing from her eyes.”
Describing Samantha as a people-pleaser, with a creative, “artsy personality,” Lori says her daughter was never one for acting out and had always needed to work hard to “keep her nose above the water.” Unsure of what else to do, Lori, her husband Michael, and Sam continued on with the college application process right up until the day it was literally time to hit the “send” button. It was then that Samantha balked, telling her parents, “I can’t do it. I’m not ready, I don’t know what I want to do but I don’t want to go to college yet.” Lori recalls her first reaction as being, “Holy crap!” She explains that she had been mentally preparing herself to be an “empty nester” for months and Sam’s declaration threw her for a loop. Not sure what to do, she forced herself to step back and think about how she wanted to respond.
Parents of teens frequently find themselves coming from different places on certain issues, and Lori and Michael are no exception. Lori says Michael’s parents forced him to go to college, when he really wanted to learn a trade. Halfway through his sophomore year, he ended up withdrawing from school and working towards becoming an electrician, a job he still holds today. Based on this, Michael’s perspective is that “If Sam doesn’t want to go to college yet we won’t make her,” Lori explains, noting that he hasn’t deviated once from his view that his daughter is doing the right thing. “He’s our rock,” she says. “Silent, steady, and supportive.”
Education was not a priority in Lori’s family, and she found herself living independently by age seventeen. “I come from a dysfunctional, inner-city background,” she shares candidly. “I can’t tell you how important it was to me for my kid to go to college.” Sam’s revelation meant that Lori would need to face the loss of this dream, at least temporarily. Somewhat reluctantly, she also came to the realization that, after raising her daughter to be independent, she had to allow her to be so. “Be careful what you teach your children,” she says ruefully. “The words may come back to haunt you. If you try to raise an independent kid then you better expect her to be independent!” Lori admits that there are days when she silently asks herself, “Why can’t she be like everyone else?” but the feeling never lasts. Instead she’s overcome with pride that she and Michael have a daughter who is willing to follow her own instincts and heart. “Often I’m blown away by her inner wisdom,” Lori says. “It’s the best path for her and I’m relieved she’s on it.”
Once the family agreed that Samantha would be taking a year off, they needed to set up a few ground rules. Samantha has to come up with a plan as to how she wants to best use her time to figure out what she wants to do with her life. She knows she wants to travel, both in America and overseas, and she also expresses interest in helping others. Ideas she has been researching and exploring include working with Native Americans, farming (perhaps through a program like World Organization for Organic Farming), and programs like the Omega Institute in Rhinebeck, NY where she could volunteer and practice yoga, something that’s very important to her. Samantha and her parents agree that finding her passion first will help compel Samantha to take on the workload and responsibilities of college life later. Lori and Michael feel their job is to give her space, but with parameters. They’ve told Sam that a gap year isn’t just a year off, so she needs to have a firm plan in place by October. “We fully support her but she needs to be doing something to further her education in some way, even if she’s working,” Lori says. “She can do an internship or shadow someone in a career she’s interested in. We’re treating this year similarly to a college year in terms of both learning and experience.” Sam also has to pay for any gap year pleasure travel she does with her job savings (she’s worked at Tim Horton’s since age 16) and graduation money.
Not everyone has been as understanding and supportive about Samantha’s choice as her parents. Describing Pittsford as an upscale, homogenous community where there’s not a lot of deviation from the “success plan,” Lori notes that the responses they’ve received from others have run the gamut. “It’s been an absolute journey,” she admits. As a parent, and the owner of MB Booktique in Fairport, she hears different opinions about Sam’s decision every day. Some people, including friends, teachers, guidance counselors, and Sam’s peers that they’ve talked to about her gap year are very judgmental Lori says, so much so that at times that she’s been left speechless. “This decision has definitely taught me and Sam about how it looks and feels to be on the receiving side of judgment,” Lori notes. “I’m really proud of her for standing firm with her choice. She’s withstood pressure from others with absolute grace.” Others they’ve talked to say they wish they’d been encouraged to take a year to travel and explore their interests. Students (and adults) who have done a gap year will tell the family, “It’s the best thing to do and everyone should do it!” Lori has also been shocked by the number of young people that she’s talked to recently who are accruing a huge amount of college debt and still have no idea what they want to do once they graduate. “To me, this is confirmation that Sam is doing the right thing!” she asserts. Lori acknowledges that, in the US, the notion of a gap year isn’t part of the culture. She also observes that, though our society is certainly intrigued in hearing, or reading, about those who take to the road to discover themselves, many people are fearful to take that step into uncharted territory themselves. “Our job as parents is to guide our kids, but we have to be able to let them go too,” she adds noting, “I want to open people’s ideas to the concept of a gap year, to help others see it as a viable option. I think it should be part of the conversation and that we shouldn’t be afraid of it. If I could do one thing over again, I wish I had presented a gap year as an option right from the start. It could have saved Sam from all that anxiety.”
Sue Henninger is a freelance writer, a frequent contributor Rochester Area & Genesee Valley Parent Magazine. She is the mother of three musicians, and an avid music lover. Contact her at www.fingerlakeswriter.com
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