A parent’s worst nightmare: Her teen daughter’s fairytale relationship has somehow spiraled violently out of control, and she doesn’t seem to want to free herself from it. Unfortunately, relationship violence is not all that uncommon. According to a 2011 survey conducted by researchers at the CDC (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention), “9.4 percent of high school students reported being hit, slapped, or physically hurt on purpose by their boyfriend or girlfriend in the twelve months prior to the survey.”
Dating violence crosses all racial, economic, and social lines. Most victims are young women, who often keep their suffering secret, so it is typical that parents don’t find out until things have gotten extremely out of hand.
Steps to get out of an abusive relationship. (share with your teen)
The following tips are provided by Mike Domitrz, founder of The Date Safe Project (www.DateSafeProject.org) which provides educational programs and materials about verbal consent, respecting boundaries, healthy intimacy, and support for survivors of violence.
Recognize the Abuse: You deserve equal choice and freedom in all aspects of a relationship. Disrespect or violence of any kind (emotional, verbal, or physical) is NEVER okay.
Document: Document the abuse in order to see the red flags and take steps to leave the relationship. Seek medical attention. Not all injuries are visible and it is another way to document the abuse.
Change All Access: Change your phone password and all online passwords prior to telling the abuser you are ending the relationship.
Safety First: If your safety is at all a concern in meeting with the abuser, you do not “owe it” to the abuser to meet in-person to end the relationship.
Be Clear: When ending any relationship, use clear wording. For example, “This relationship is not one I want to be in today or at any time in the future. We are no longer dating.”
Hand Over & Report Technology: Give your phone to a trusted adult who will report any abusive messages sent to you from the abuser.
Free Yourself of Stress: Stay away from online communities where the abuser may try to influence you (e.g. Facebook, Twitter, etc.)
Your Options: Be willing to call the police and/or turn to additional resources such as:+ Local abuse crisis centers+ The National Dating Abuse Helpline: 1.866.331.9474+ www.breakthecycle.org (online dating abuse prevention program)+http://www.loveisrespect.org(information about healthy relationships)
As a mother of a teenage daughter who was abused by a controlling and violent boyfriend, Heidi* explains, “We only found out because my husband took her phone for another reason and was shocked to see messages our daughter’s boyfriend was sending her.” Heidi says that Sabrina’s* boyfriend did not start mistreating her until months into the relationship. By that time, he had already established control over her. “He would tell her things like, ‘Your mom and dad don’t love you like I do,’” Heidi reports. She says that the situation escalated rapidly. The abuse was both physical and verbal, but Heidi explains that Sabrina would hide the abuse from them. “The school called us one day and said that we had to get there immediately because our daughter had been hurt by her boyfriend.”
Heidi describes the fear, hopelessness, anger and frustration that a parent feels when this is happening to her child. “It’s hard to understand how awful this is unless you are going through it.” The entire family is affected by the situation. “It started to affect our marriage and our other children because we were consumed with Sabrina’s situation.”
Can parents help their daughters out of the abyss?
Avoiding Abuse from the Get-Go
A healthy and loving relationship with male caregivers is a good prerequisite for future relationships because girls will know what to look for in a male companion. However, this does not guarantee that your daughter won’t become involved in a destructive relationship.
“The key lies in creating a strong loving bond between a daughter and her dad. This is the first relationship with a man that starts your daughter on her love map and later leads to her choice of men to date and marry,” explains Carole Lieberman, MD, host of the weekly Internet radio show, Dr. Carole’s Couch, and member of the clinical faculty at UCLA’s Neuropsychiatric Institute.
Rabbi Shmuley Boteach, founder of “This World: The Values Network” and international best-selling author of thirty books, including Ten Conversations You Need to Have with Your Children (William Morrow, 2006), counsels, “I reject the modern, fraudulent notion that you’re not supposed to mettle in your child’s life. Parents need to be up to speed on what their children are doing.”
Warning Signs
Some suitors don’t seem violent at first, so it is imperative that parents are aware of potential warning signs.Christine Weber, PhD, a clinical neuropsychologist practicing in Seaford, NY, instructs parents to be wary of the following behaviors:• Your teen stops sharing information with friends and family.• Your teen becomes isolated because her abuser uses isolation to satisfy a need for control.• Your teen defends or justifies the abuse (e.g. “He didn’t mean to shove me.”).• Your teen drastically changes her appearance to satisfy her boyfriend’s needs instead of her own.• Your teen’s boyfriend refuses to meet you. (Not necessarily a sign of abuse, but a general “red flag.”)
Steps Parents Should Take
“If you really want your teen daughter to navigate her way through a difficult or abusive relationship, you need her to trust you; otherwise, she won’t even be able to hear you,” says Robert Epstein, PhD, a senior research psychologist at the American Institute for Behavioral Research and Technology and author of Teen 2.0: Saving Our Children and Families from the Torment of Adolescence (Linden Publishing, 2010). “The most important way to achieve this is to show her that you trust her judgment, and not to criticize her for being an idiot who is being taken advantage of by a defective male.”
Rabbi Boteach says that parents need to be in positions of authority but understand their child’s needs. “Rather than saying ‘I won’t allow it,’ ask questions about what your teen is feeling, such as ‘Do you feel this young man respects you?’”
Lieberman recommends that parents encourage their daughter to see a therapist, but must step in to protect their child from violence. “If she ignores your warnings and sneaks out anyway, contact the school and the police, especially if there is proof of physical abuse.”
Epstein urges parents to be on their daughter’s side by giving her a better quality of love than her boyfriend is giving — unconditional love and being there to pick up the pieces is essential.
*The names of the people in the lead-in interview have been changed to protect their privacy.
Myrna Beth Haskell is a freelance writer and monthly contributor to Rochester & Genesee Valley Parent Magazine who lives in Salt Point, NY. She is the author of LIONS and TIGERS and TEENS: Expert advice and support for the conscientious parent just like you (Unlimited Publishing LLC). Visit www.myrnahaskell.com.
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