Dear Dr. Amy:
Our kids, ages 12 and 14, are always asking for money! They are supposed to do chores to earn their weekly allowance, but they never do. My wife and I give them everything they ask for, but they always seem to want more. Our daughter just told us that she wants Ed Sheeran for the entertainment at her Bat Mitzvah next year! They have no sense of what things cost or what it takes to earn money. I do not know what to do.
Signed,
My Kid ’s ATM
Dear Daddy Warbucks:
Let me start by saying how fortunate your children are to have such generous parents. That concludes this section on compliments. You are welcome.
Unfortunately, when we give our kids everything they want without having any skin in the game – be it cash or sweat equity — we are reinforcing the notion that they are somehow entitled to these things. Beyond the fact that we are not giving kids a chance to experience the satisfaction and self-respect that comes with planning, earning, and saving, we are also setting them up for a very rude awakening as they get older and start to navigate the often blinding light of the Real World.
For example, one of my patients was shocked when she got her first-ever pay-check working in the library during college. I’ll never forget her saying, “Take-out sushi costs more than what I made this week. I’m being taken advantage of !” I just said, “Oh sweetie, I know you think you are.”
I get it. Just the other day, my 14-year- old son was complaining about needing money for something he wanted that he knew I wouldn’t buy for him. I told him to get a job. He reminded me that he is only 14 and, in his words, “child labor is illegal.”
The spirits of my ancestors from long ago suddenly possessed me as I told him about all the ways I made money when I was his age. At some point during this dissertation, I was able to stop myself and voice some practical ideas. I suggested he get his certification and start babysitting.
“Hmmm,” he replied. “Sitting on babies feels like a bit of a moral gray area.” Very funny. If he could make money by being sarcastic, he would be wealthy.
In any case, from piggy bank to credit cards, there is merit in helping kids learn healthy habits around money. Teaching our kids to be fiscally responsible early on will help them cope with challenges like planning, setting limits, and resisting impulses. Here are some tips to help your child become a wiser miser.
1. Start early and talk often
By second or third grade, kids’ math skills are to the point where they start to understand the concept of earn and spend. Include the kids in the basic day-to-day discussions about money. Talk about what things cost and how you decide to get one thing and forgo another at times. Talk about why things cost money, such as the cost of a well-made product that will last or spending more for something because you believe in it, such as vegetables produced using sustainable farming practices.
2. Discuss the difference between WANT and NEED.
Remind them that even when we need something, we have a budget for what we will spend on it — then stick to it! For families who can afford to buy the latest and greatest, ask yourselves if you really should.
We often tell our children that they can be whatever they want when they grow up – make sure they know that our bank account is not included as they decide who they want to be in the world.
3. Model responsible behavior
Children look to their parents to get direction about behavior. Show them the Vacation Fund bank statement and discuss how the money gets there. The same goes for buying a new car or talking about the value in fixing something instead of throwing it away.
4. Teach your kids about making money
One of the easiest ways to do this is with an allowance. Even a small amount can be a meaningful teaching tool. Allowance is for the work one does beyond the general expectations. Perhaps there is a chore that you would be willing to pay for? One of the things I pay my boys for is cleaning toilets. I hate cleaning toilets. For me, with three boys in the house, “Game of Thrones” is finding a toilet no one has peed on. I am happy to shell out for toilet cleaning.
5. It is okay to make mistakes
The feeling that they have spent their hard-earned money impulsively or on something flimsy will not be lost on them. Rarely, however, do kids feel regret when it is our money that was spent.
Let’s face it, have you ever gotten handed something for free and seriously regretted even taking it when it turned out to be underwhelming?
We are never going to get everything just right. It is never too late to do better. We can even learn from our kids as we go through these teaching moments.
My kids have seen me salivating over a pair of Jimmy Choo’s and then heard me say that I’m going to be responsible and NOT get them. Do I grumble a bit? Of course. Being responsible isn’t always fun.
